My Unwanted Pregnancy Story!
Hey everyone Bridget here, and today I’m talking about my Unwanted Pregnancy. I don’t really know how this video is going to go. I’ve made some notes but I’m still really nervous about sharing this because it’s a very personal topic and I’m going to answer some really personal questions as we’re discussing this. But the reason that I really want to do itis because, when I found out I was pregnant — accidentally — and I was looking for resources and people that were in a similar situation, I didn’t really find any. Generally, when you search for help with your Unwanted Pregnancy, the things that come up are resources for teen moms. I was not a teen mom.
I was 31years old, I had a graduate business degree, I was self-employed, and I was just not in the same position as a teenager might be. That said, it was still really difficult and challenging to be pregnant unexpectedly, because it’s still a really big thing.
Obviously, I think that it’s an incredibly stressful thing to be pregnant as a teen or in college, when there’s a lot of things ahead of you that you might have to sacrifice or not get to do if you choose to continue the Unwanted Pregnancy , but that doesn’t mean that being in your 30s is without any challenges either.
So what I really want to do is share my story so people who find themselves in a similar situation, whether they’re unexpectedly pregnant in their 20s or 30s or even 40s, and want to hear a different voice than the one for teen moms, that’s what I’m here for. I’m so nervous. I feel like I’m going to throw up. Okay, so the first thing obviously we need to talk about is how I got pregnant. Um, we know how they got pregnant. I got pregnant the way most people get pregnant, but I was using protection and it failed. So what I tell people now is never trust condoms. I never will again, because they didn’t work.
I know the first reaction to that is it must be some kind of user error. To be honest, I used to be one of those people where whenever someone told me about a nun Unwanted Pregnancy , I just assumed it was their fault. They didn’t use the condom correctly or it broke or they missed their pill or something like that.
I am totally humbled and will never doubt anyone again now that I was in a situation where I was using a method of birth control and it didn’t work. So when they have those things, the statistics on the birth control, whether it’s like 0.4% for the pill or I think it’s like 2% for condoms, that’s the failure rate. Sometimes it actually just fails and it’s not that person’s fault. While you might be having some doubts that this was totally accidental, I don’t blame you, I get it but it was. It happened and I’ll never, never doubt anyone that says they got pregnant by accident ever again.
The way I found out I was pregnant is that my period was three days late. It’s usually like clockwork, within one or two days. So, when I hit that third day, I started to get a little nervous but I still didn’t think that it was anything because obviously I’ve been using contraception. When I took the test it said pregnant immediately and I was about five weeks along.
So I found out I was pregnant really early on. Some women, if you have irregular cycles, you might not find out until later. The way that Initially felt when I first learned that I was pregnant was kind of just… dumb and careless. Because I couldn’t believe that it was happening to me now. I had gone through my entire 20s without so much as a Unwanted Pregnancy scare.
I never even had one single moment where I thought that I was pregnant. This was my first time really taking a Unwanted Pregnancy test, thinking that I could be pregnant and checking to see if I was. And I just felt like it was so weird to happen tome now, because up until this point, I felt like I had been overall super responsible and successful. I breezed through college. I got my undergraduate degree in science, my graduate degree I got an MBA finance.
During those days.
I always had really great jobs. Overall, I was pretty successful and seemed to be doing everything right. Now all of a sudden, this was this big “wrong” thing that I had done. It just felt… I don’t know. I felt kind of silly and a little bit embarrassed that I had found myself in this situation, when it just seemed like a mistake that I couldn’t make. Obviously, now as I said earlier, I don’t feel like that anymore.
You know, I’m not that arrogant, I’m not that naive to think that accidental pregnancies don’t happen. I’ve gotten over those emotions, but initially it was just, I was just kind of embarrassed that I had ended up in this circumstance. One of the things that I had found really reassuring is when I started to look online, was that actually 50% of pregnancies are unplanned.
And these aren’t pregnancies that are just happening to teen moms, right. These happen to women that are in committed relationships, they happen to couples that are married, they happen to people that go on Tinder dates. whatever. Accidental pregnancies happened to all kinds of people, in all kinds of circumstances. For real, Unwanted Pregnancy isn’t super choosy of who it happens to, it can happen to anyone, at any time.
That makes it sound scary but it kind of it was. Okay, now we’re going get into some more serious stuff and I don’t want to start any kind of debates in the comments sectionbecause I really believe that everyone is entitled to make their own choices,and have their own opinions, and their own feelings on things — and to notinflict those beliefs on others.
What I was felling
So since I found myself unexpectedly pregnant and I was not living with my partner or even in a very serious relationship with him at that time, the next question that people probably have — not very many people dare to ask — is why didn’t you terminate the Unwanted Pregnancy ? I live in Canada so abortion is free, it’s easy to access where I live, and I think they do it up until like 21 weeks or even past that for medical conditions.I don’t know entirely, but I do know that if I wanted to terminate the pregnancy, it would be really easy for me to access those services.
I am pro-choice, and now that I’ve actually had an accidental pregnancy, even though I carried that pregnancy to term and I now have a baby,I’m even more approached ways than I was before. That position might shock some people, but what happened is I actually had to make the choice. Being in those circumstances where I had to make the decision and I understood all the variables that were coming into play, from the physical burden of pregnancy to the financial implications of having a child, to the consequences.
I would experience in my relationship and my social life, and so on, and the effect it would have on my career and my business. Even having all of those variables and understanding what each one meant, and knowing what making the choice meant,just gave me so much more empathy and understanding for other women that are in that position. I don’t necessarily think that you need to find yourself in this position to be empathetic with women that are in these circumstances,but having made the choice has given me a deeper understanding of all the components of that choice, and it’s made me more pro-choice.
I really believe that women should have access to abortion, that it should be free and covered by healthcare. I think that’s really important to helping them make the decision that’s right for them. One thing I am really grateful for is that there were no limitations in terms of cost or time, because then I had time to make the decision. I didn’t feel rushed into it. I didn’t have to travel somewhere if I needed to get that procedure done. Because I think some of the imitations that we put on women, the restrictions making abortion difficult to access,either financially or logistically and geographically, can rush women in to the wrong decision — either way.
They can carry a Unwanted Pregnancy too long that may be they didn’t want because they hesitated, because they couldn’t access those services. Or it causes them to rush into a decision because they feel that they need to make one right now, based on the circumstances. The fact that I did not feel financially pressured or logistically pressured to make that choice was a huge relief to me and, like I said, this just made me more pro-choice than ever. I did choose to carry my Unwanted Pregnancy to term and have my baby and that was the right decision for me. We don’t need to do a whole video on what the reasons are, butsuffice it to say, just the position I was in in my life and the way thingswere organized, I felt like an Unwanted Pregnancy and a baby and achild was something that I could handle.
If I was in different circumstances, Idon’t know if I would make a different decision. There’s a lot of factors thatplayed into this, personally and otherwise, that I’m not going to go intobecause that’s not what this video is about. But I will say that I made theright choice for me, and I think that women should all make the right choicefor them. The other thing that I get asked a lot about , or I did initiallywhen I announced that I was pregnant, was about my relationship with the baby’sfather. If you watch my pregnancy and babyupdates, you know that I mention him.
He’s very involved in my baby’s life and… well,I’m not really going to go into our relationship and the reason that I don’tshare very much of it is because that’s him, that’s his life, and he doesn’t wantit all over the internet because not everyone likes to oversahre like Ido. I know it’s unusual because plenty of YouTubers, when they’re running theirchannel, you see their partner, their boyfriend, their husband, whatever, inscenes all the time, it’s part of their daily life. I am not going to dothat, because that’s not what my partner wants.
Story of my unplanned pregnency!
I don’t want to share ourrelationship online, I don’t want to go into any of the details, it’s just a wayof respecting his privacy. Likewise, in terms of the unplanned pregnancy, I can’t really speak to his perspective of it. Obviously, I know hisperspective because he was right there along with me the whole way, but I’m notgoing to share it online, because this video is about me not abouthim. That’s all saying about my personal life, but I do want to talk a little bitabout how pregnancy will affect your relationship or… Well, I can’t reallyspeculate on it, because honestly every relationship is as unique as the twopeople in it.
What I will caution you is to expect that pregnancy and having achild will change your relationship completely, even in unrecognizable ways.And I don’t think this is necessarily true only of an unplanned baby or partners that are not married or whatever, because I think a lot of parents in general are surprised by how much having a baby changed their relationship, even if theyplanned it, even if they conceived on purpose and picked the nursery colorstogether and tried to split nighttime baby duties.
It changes yourrelationship so much because you’re introducing a whole new person into it,and they’ll get all of your attention. What is really important to note is justthat each partner in a relationship can be in a totally different place, have atotally different perspective of how to deal with an Unwanted Pregnancy andwhat this means for them in their life.
You need to be prepared for that. Ifyou’re in a circumstance like I was where you weren’t living with the personor you weren’t in a serious committed relationship at the time, then you haveto be prepared for the reality that they might not want this and they might notwant to stick by your side and be part of it. That’s a very scary thing formany women. I would not recommend, if anyone is even considering this — it likeblows my mind that it’s even a thing — but having a baby to save yourrelationship or to keep someone around.
If someone is trying to exit arelationship, or doesn’t want a relationship with you, the very lastthing you want to do is trap them with a baby. It won’t make them love you, it won’tmake them closer to you. What it will probably dois breed a lot of resentment and create a very toxic environment for your childand also for you. When you have a baby unplanned, you essentially have to think: “we’re starting totally from scratch, except with all this new baggage.” Some relationships will survive and some will not, but you have to be prepared foreither outcome.
What I did experience and what I have mentioned in some of my babyupdates, is that having a baby with my partner the way that we did, is theexpectations were very clear right from the get-go. Because we don’t livetogether, things had to be very planned out in terms of childcare andtime and things like that. In a way, that actually really benefited me,because when my partner has the baby, he has the baby, and I get to relax and havemy own me time, I get to work and so on. I have seen in other couples, maybe dadisn’t as hands-on but mom expected more of him and it breeds a lot of resentment intheir relationship.
So one thing that is great about co-parenting is theboundaries are very clear and your expectations are just in the right place,so you’re disappointed less often. I will admit that one thing that has benefitedme tremendously through having an unplanned baby is I was never superattached to that nuclear family, white picket fence, whatever dreams.
I hadnothing in my mind that said I needed to be in a certain place in life in orderto have a family, so having a baby right now, I didn’t find particularlybothersome. Being a single mother didn’t evenstrike me as terrible. And that might shock some people, because I don’t knowsome people don’t feel that way, but I do. I have friends that are in their 30s andthey’re still single and they’re like, “oh if I don’t end up with a partner, but Istill want to have kids, I’m just going have a kid by myself” — and I was that kindof woman, too.
I thought in my mind, that if I didn’t have a baby withsomeone, I would just go to one of those sperm banks, flip throughthe catalogue, and say, “hey, that guy looks genetically good, let’s work with that!”That was a story line of my life that I was open to, so when I had an unplannedbaby and the circumstances were that I was going to be myself and a singlemother, that was okay for me. I didn’t feel any shame or disappointment aroundthat.
But if you have an Unwanted Pregnancy and you are really attached togetting married first, and having this deep loving relationship, and owninga house, and being a certain place in your career, it might take you some timeto get over that. It might take you some time to let go of those dreamsthat you had, or even to get over the shame that you might feel for not doingthings in the correct order. Like I said, I was lucky that I wasn’t attached toany of those narratives because I was just okay with my position of having ababy by myself. In practice, I have found things are a little different.
While I was okay with the single mother narrative, most people are not. One of thethings I do struggle with, and I haven’t spoken a lot about, is the singlemother stigma. I read this really great article, I’ll try to find it and link itin the description below, but it says the only acceptable single motheris a widow — the one that didn’t choose it, and it was circumstances totally outsideof her control that ripped her husband and father her children awayfrom her. Otherwise, society does not like single mothers.
And if you look on someof my other videos, I get all these troll comments from men’s rightsactivists that are just hating on me for being a single mom. Society doesnot like single mothers. And sometimes to avoidexplaining my situation, especially because it has a little bit morecomplexity than others, I just pretend not a single mother. I feel kind of baddoing that because I would kind of like to work towards a positive image ofsingle motherhood, in the sense that I’m successfully self employed, I’m highlyeducated, I’m financially secure, and so on, that I don’t fit the negativestereotypes of single motherhood.
which my perspective on those has also changed!Now that I understand the financial burden of single motherhood,I don’t feel judgmental towards those women. I really think everyone’s just doing their best, regardless of the circumstances, and in a way when Ipretend that I’m not a single mother or that I’m not like “those” single mothers, Ifeel guilty. I feel like I’m betraying them by saying I don’t want tobe perceived like you because… I don’t know, it’s just… I don’t feel good about itbut sometimes I do it because it’s easier, because people are judgy andannoying. When I was pregnant, people did this to me all the time. I would getstopped in the grocery store people would ask, “how far along are you, is it aboy or a girl, oh you and your husband must be soexcited!”
And I would just say, “Yeah, we totally are!” The other thing I did is when Ifilled out applications to daycare, I just put one address down. I obviouslyput my partner’s contact information but I only put my address, even whensometimes the forms asked for his address. I will admit that because of myage and other clues about my socioeconomic status and educationalattainment, people automatically assume that I’m married and I had my baby onpurpose, so I can dodge a lot of this awkward single motherhood judgment. And Ifeel very lucky about that, that’s just a privilege that I enjoy by beingin my 30s and having the life that I do, but I don’t think it’s good. Idon’t think it’s healthy that we’re so mean to single moms that even I avoidbeing honest about my circumstances in some situations because I’m stilldodging judgment for people.
This brings me to another issue that also makes mefeel a little weird about being a single mother. I had a friend comment onetime, “well, you’re not a single mother because dad’s still in the picture” and Ithought that was a really odd thing to say. Because yes, the father is stillin the picture, but I live alone with my baby. The Government of Canada, the CanadaRevenue Agency, recognizes me as a single mother so why did I not count because mypartner doesn’t fit that stereotype of a deadbeat dad? I really don’t think it’sfair that we divide men into these categories of doting husband or deadbeatdad. It’s just as toxic as the stereotypes that we put on singlemothers and I just thought that was a weird thing to say that I’m not a realsingle mom because the dad is still in the picture.
So then again I feel sometimes guilty identifying as a single mom because Iknow that I have a more positive relationship and circumstances with mybaby’s father that some women might. That said, I think all relationships areunique. You might be anywhere on that spectrum of “dad is totally out of thepicture” or “you’re still dating and just don’t live together”,right? There is a big gradient there with lots of middle ground of where youand your family can fit. I don’t think that there’s a legitimate kind of singlemother on that spectrum. If you live alone with your baby, you’re a single mom.Personally, I find some aspect of single parenthood really hard. Like, I’mexhausted in a way that I didn’t know was humanly possible and a lot of thatcomes from not having a partner to share the load.
That said, I do see all kinds ofcouples that I interact with, when I meet in mommy groups orthe playground and things like that. And I don’t romanticize having a partner orhaving a husband because I’ve seen marriages where the husband travels forwork and so he’s not at home during the week. Or he just doesn’t like babies anddoesn’t know what to do with them and says they’ll be around more when theycan talk and interact more. Or there’s times that feel a child really changedtheir relationship and they’re really resentful of losing the mom to this babyand the romance is like totally gone.
In other words, there can be the struggle ofsingle parenthood even in a traditional married or coupled partnership. Obviouslythat ideal is that you have a supportive, caring, doting partner that takesall the night feedings and always changes diapers, but I’ve seen thecircumstances where that’s not true at all. And I’ve even seen some partnershipswhere I feel like the way my partner and I are co-parenting is better, even thoughwe don’t live together. It’s totally about what works for youand your family. I wouldn’t put any expectations that one relationship isbetter than the other because that’s not necessarily true. I know there’s a lot ofcriticisms that anything less than a heterosexual two-parent household is badfor children but I don’t necessarily believe that.
I believe the mostimportant thing is that children are loved and cared for by their parents andI think that that can look different and still not be bad. My daughter has me, andI do my best for her — I promised myself I wouldn’t cry in this video — and whenshe’s older if she has questions of why her dad and I didn’t live together inthe beginning, I want her to be able to ask that and I want to be able to giveher honest answers. But most of all I want to reassure her that we both loveher like the most important person in the world… oh my god you guyscamera battery died as I was crying. Okay I’m getting a little sappy aboutthis. So I think I’ve shared everything that I wanted to share. I am reallynervous posting this so please be kind in the comments.
I know some people won’tbe, but for the sake of my soul try. I would love to hear your thoughts ifyou’re experiencing an Unwanted Pregnancy, how this video made you feel,whether you found it reassuring, if it gave you any insight to what other womenmight be experiencing, if you now believe people that sometimes birth controlfails. I hope that you enjoyed maybe getting to know me a little better onsomething that’s really intimate and important to me. Thank you so much forlistening and, yeah, I’ll see you guys next week!